


Saudade

by yun_channie



Category: Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Newsies - Freeform, Song fic, give me a yay for projecting your misery onto the character, i guess, i mention the songs in the notes, i ramble a lot im sorry, its mostly pure angst though, javid - Freeform, my poor boy Jack is sad but hes gonna be alright i promise, this is basically angst with little plot :—)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 19:52:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12539860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yun_channie/pseuds/yun_channie
Summary: (Title is a Portugese word, meaning: 'Melancholic longing or nostalgia for a person, place or thing that is far away from you.')~~~~Davey wanted to be a lawyer for all of his life, Jack always believed in him, knowing he could achieve all of his goals. But he was never ready enough to face the day when he would lose his best friend, who is also his secret muse, pernamently. Or that’s what he thought.Aka, Davey disappeared after getting into uni, and Jack Kelly is a sad boy.





	Saudade

_"You sure about this? Do you think it's gonna work out?"_

_"It has to, Jack! I have been working way too hard for this, you know it."_

And I knew. I had been there, through thick and thin. I had seen him fall apart, and I had seen him shine like the most beautiful, brightest star on the night sky. Both alpha and omega, I have experienced both end of the spectrum next to David. Hell, I had a lot of trust in him, I was aware of the fact how damn smart he really was, but I was worried; what if, just what if, he didn't get into law? It was his dream, he had been swooning over it ever since we had become close. This desire to be lawyer had increased after the mess that was caused by The World. Not to mention, that David would be very busy if he did get into university. I was scared, to just see him slowly fade out of my life, then poof; disappear. 

And I suspected right.

* * *

 

The new cartoonist job certainly gives me a bigger wage, however it does not let me create art freely; understandable, considering I have to draw in political themes. I had to get used to it if I wanted to keep it. But it has not erased my desire to continue being a newsie; I love my boys too much to just leave them on their own, considering the conditions they have been living in. I have suggested to Crutchie that he should move in with me in my new house I have bought by saving up, but he declined it. He really is not used to living cozy, and he likes the penthouse. My worry has not faded, I always make sure that he's doing okay, especially because of his leg, but his optimistic soul has rarely broken. Crutchie really has offered me a lot of comfort, not letting me to bottle up my emotions.   
It has become worse ever since David disappeared.

I don't know what happened; in one moment, he was happy about being accepted into university, and in the next, he was... gone. Maybe for good? I am still not sure. Davey, even if he liked selling papers, did not like every aspect of it. It is surely a dirty, maybe even a bit dangerous job in tougher political times; but something as simple as bad weather can also be a pain in the ass. But he always, always put a smile on his face, he was running around like a happy camper, selling the same old, boring headline with charming words and gestures. He never failed to amaze me. Yet I did not expect to lose him so suddenly. Like thunder on a sunny day. I could be grieving over it constantly, because I surely miss him, every single day. I should not be letting myself to think about this idiot in every second where I am not doing anything, but memories keep getting replayed in front of me. His face, his voice, his words are constantly on my mind, like bad demons who are giving me fake relief. Every moment with David now only feels like a fever dream; have all these really happened, or did my brain just make them up? Is David real?   
Of course, he is, this is a dumb speculation. However, he appeared in my life as fast and abruptly as he left. He was there, then in a matter of months, he vanished. 

**_'If you love someone, you never let them stay.'_ **

I have heard this saying, beforehand I always thought it was dumb. If you really love them, you should be holding onto them, trying to make the most out of it, enjoy their company and the feeling they give you. I soon have realized, that it may has some truth to it. Maybe if you let that person go, you do them good. Maybe they would feel more free, they wouldn't feel so pressured to stay by your side, they could experience more things without someone weighing them down. I have told these thoughts to others, these feelings that have been repressed within me. The answer I got?   
'Davey would never think you were holding him back!'   
Is that the case, though? I told him a few times that I was scared of losing him, he reassured me that I would never have to experience that.

Did he lie?

Did he plan to disappear out of nowhere? I have so many questions in my head, so many emotions that should be talked about. I am not good at putting my pain into words, so I just put them in the back of my head, hoping they would get lost there, and never resurface. That is not how human emotions work obviously. There is always something that triggers these. A scent, a sound, a sight. Anything, really.

The smell of new books, as I flick through the pages.   
The scent of freshly made cup of coffee as I take the first sip from it.   
The bright colors of the evening sky, as the dawn slowly but finally sets in, as they perfectly wash together. From the vibrant red to the deep, deep blue. As the stars appear one by one, as the sun is swallowed by the horizon while it is going down. 

All of these phenomena cause my brain to bury itself into a deep nostalgia, my stomach churns together, the muscles of my face stiffen then let go. A wave of different emotions run through my body, leaving me shivering and with a feeling of deep dread. 

" **Fuck**. Fuck, fuck, **fuck**." I sit up in my bed, wiping the cold sweat from the nape of my neck, my eyes annoyedly closing whilst my pulse is going nuts. My breathing gets shallow, as I then slowly calm down and re-learn how to breathe properly. My fingers run through my hair, I brush them out of my face, then bury it in my palms, just letting out a soft sigh; my head filling up with a big, tangled mess of thoughts. I can feel as my stomach tightens, how my heart is suddenly aching – technically speaking, it is not really my heart; just my chest, but that's irrelevant –, I am suddenly so overwhelmed yet numb. I can feel how my brain slowly detaches itself from reality, and my consciousness drifts into a state of floating between reality and an other world. Or something similar; I just feel like nothing is even real anymore. Like all of this is just a nightmare, like my senses are failing me. I can feel my hair getting grabbed by my own hands, as the annoyance is building up in my gut, making me want to scream and trash around.

Why the hell is this happening? This must be a prank.

It has been... a year. I do not know anymore; the days seem to get blurred together. At this point, I only have been getting through each day, doing what I have to do, either at my desk, drawing, or out on streets, selling papers. I have been trying to distract myself from losing David, but damn it, he always manages to get reminded to me by something, or even someone.

_"Here. Don't waste it, Race, I didn't work all day for this money so you could just throw it out." I put the coins into the other's palm, approximately $5-6. I could see how Racetrack's eyes light up in excitement, his mouth formed a huge grin._

_"Oh, holy shit, Jack! Thanks!" He looked up at me,_ _eagerl_ _y_ _taking it and stuffing the money into his pocket. "You still couldn't beat Davey's best! Remember when the guy got, like, 13 bucks?! Man, we had a freaking feast that day!"_

Davey...

I remember that day clearly.

_I tiredly got the bag off of my shoulders, carelessly balling it up in my hands, whilst walking back to the gate of The World, where I always meet with the boys when we finish selling all the papers. They were all gathered there, but now in one big pile. I furrowed my brows at the sight; it seemed like they were surrounding someone. I walked there, tapping one of them on the shoulder_ _–_ _turns out, it was Romeo. He turned around to look at me frantically, his childlike features lighting up at the sight of me._

_"Jack, Jack, Davey made a freaking fortune today!"_

_"Did he?" I asked in confusion, shuffling through all of them to get to David in the middle of the circle._

_"I have been waiting for you to get here!" He immediately exclaimed, his face radiating joy and excitement. I could feel my chest getting tighter with happiness at the sight of him. I scoffed, rolled my eyes slightly._

_"What are these kids talking about, Dave? Did you manage to make us rich?" I joked, but I was surprised to see him nod with_ _enthusiasm, his eyes sparkling under the streetlamp. That, of course, made butterflies to appear in the pit of my stomach, making me feel extremely flustered and fidgety. I, however, was already used to this, so I showed no sign of this on the outside, but internally, I was like a small teenage girl._

_"Yeah! Well- no. But look!" He opened his two palms, showing me lots of coins; they were mostly quarters and dimes, but I noticed one or two $1 coins as well. "We counted it, and I made $13 today! I have never made this much, and I sold the same amount of_ _papes_ _!" He explained, talking fast, which he usually never did, but it seemed like that this was a special case for him to actually not pay attention to the way he spoke. The news made me lift my eyebrows, a soft smirk appearing on my face._

_"Good job! I say we switch the percentage of earnings today; 60 for you, 40 for me."_

_"Jacky, you really_ _–_ _"_

_"You are the best!" I could hear a new voice; l_ _ooking_ _down, I noticed his little brother, Les, right behind David. He blinked at me in awe,_ _I laughed at his expression and at what he said._

_"I am not, your brother is, for having such charm! It's because of him!" I leaned over, softly ruffling his hair as I took his hat off then put it back on. He showed me an unimpressed look._

_"Jack, I want to reject your suggestion, I'm perfectly okay with the usual." Before I could protest, he was already counting the money, getting 60% of it and put it in my hands with a caring, warm smile. "Business is business." He said simply, keeping the same grin and expression. I only managed to huff, looking at the coins. I then mumbled 'Alright.' a_ _s I_ _put the money in my_ _back pocket_ _._

_He was always so stubborn._

Shit, wait, am I really crying again?   


This thought also slips out of me in a broken, slightly irritated tone. I lift my head up, the tears that suddenly have appeared in the corners of my eyes, I rub them away with the back of my hands, while furrowing my brows. This really bothers me, I do not want to just sit in my bed, at – I briefly look at the old clock above my door – 2 in the morning, when I have to go to The World later. A string of slurs escape, feeling my head turn more bothered as the seconds, which then turn into minutes, drag along. I am now coiling my arms around my knees after pulling them up, looking before myself, at a random spot on my covers, zoning out. My sight is blurry from not focusing on a specific point, but also because the tears that I just wiped away have reappeared, with a heavier flow. One of them decides to roll down on my cheek, fall off of my jawline and crash against my arm, where it then soaks itself into my skin. I do not notice that I have started to slightly shake. I am not entirely sure if it is because of me feeling tired, or devastated. I ball up the material of my blanket in my hands, suck in my lip while I tightly close my eyes; causing more teardrops to spill. I take an unsteady breath before loudly exhaling it. It is accompanied by a gentle cry, along with the words 'Damn it.'

I really, really didn't plan to break down.

One of my hands is put on the top of my head, while my eyes are buried against my other arm, letting the droplets of my sorrow get smeared against the flesh. More weeps come out, each one getting more squealy and louder. I can feel how my chest gets hollow, suddenly bursts out, then repeats the same thing. It feels like I am being swallowed whole by my own agony. I rarely let myself fall back, but tonight, the wound has been torn open.

"Why did you leave, you fucker?!" I ask into the dead of the night, raising my gaze, now staring at my wall. I can feel anger building up again; no, no, it is surely not that. Disappointment, more like.

_"I would not disappear, of course! I would not do that to you!"_

"But you did!" I shout, bawling. 

* * *

 

Months have flown by, which then have turned into years. I have been learning to not feel bitter when I hear his name, when someone talks about something related to him. I have been getting better, and I am proud of myself. I am working on my drawings, I sell papers with the boys, and just overall try to enjoy life. I have given up on Santa Fe along the way, deciding that I am good where I am. Why would I want to go to an old town, just to get away from my problems? I did not have this realization on my own; I had the same sentence from David in my head, over and over, because honestly, who else I would gain courage from, if not David Jacobs.

_"You know, Jacky. To you, Santa Fe is like drug, alcohol or anything addicting to others. It gives you relief at first, but the more you 'use it', the more addicted you get. You get crippling cravings if you don't get it for a while; or in your case, you don't think about or attem_ _pt_ _running away. But this behavior will slowly kill you mentally. If you ask me, listen to me and try finding something else to be addicted to. Something that doesn't make you feel hopeless when you don't get it."_

And I have found that something – someone.    
I have found it in this person's eyes, the way their gaze turns towards me and lights up. I have found it in their smile, the way their lips curl upwards when they hear something that creates joy in them. But this addiction is just as destructive as longing over a place I have never been to before. Maybe all addictions are meant to tear you apart in one way or another.   
This one is one that I don't mind being destroyed by.

"Jack, could we change spots today?" Crutchie approached me hurriedly, his expression seemingly impatient, but the good kind. Like he is anticipating something.

"Yeah, sure. Everything's good?" I ask, getting a nod and a big smile as an answer, which then turns into a chuckle and a red tint over the boy's cheeks.

"Yes, just yesterday I saw this... girl around here, and I'm hoping I'll see her again." The news make me laugh, I shake my head but I feel extreme happiness for Crutchie. I have never seen him swoon over anyone, so this female must be very pretty that she flutters someone's heart, who is afraid of feeling deeply again. I reach over to caringly pat his head.

"Go ahead." I answer shortly, Crutchie quickly thanking me and rushing away. I am still smiling while swinging the bag, full of newspapers, over my shoulders, and I start walking to the other end of the district.    
The day is going fine, I am making up dramatic headlines that catch go-byers attention. The papers are slowly disappearing from my bag, getting replaced by money. Not much, but for us, it is everything.    
"We've got drama, we've got heartbreak, you won't know about it if you don't buy!" I am calling out on the streets, waving around with a paper in the air, while I remember David scolding me whenever I was talking about fake stories, that were not even printed. It makes me smile; he always made sure that he never lied about what was in the news, he somehow found ways to make them seem interesting. I am not good at that, so I am stuck with my own method, which works just as well. With a charming grin, I turn around the face a small crowd of people coming out from a building, all in one pile, creating smaller groups within. They seem to be students, I think as I notice bags on both or either of their shoulders, some of them are even holding books against their chests while laughing and talking to other people. I get reminded how I never got the chance to experience this; losing my family early and getting into an orphanage. I was happy if I got food, education seemed like a big luxury. Not like I am stupid. But I wished and still wish that I could live a normal childhood like them. I, however, quickly push these thoughts out of my head, making my way towards the students, ready to yell the next lie about the newspaper, when I suddenly stop in my tracks. I can feel the blood in my veins stop.

'Is this an other nightmare?' 

I can't believe my own eyes. I notice this one tall guy; his hair nicely tucked under a hat, his clothes are clean and neat, a brown vest hugging over his torso just perfectly, showing his lean figure. He has a big, black bag over his shoulder, which he is holding tightly against himself, his gaze aimed towards the pavement as he is walking towards the direction I am at, without knowing. I am shamelessly staring at this point. He looks up suddenly, our eyes lock, and everything in me clicks together. I examine his features, especially his vibrant green eyes.   
I could recognize those pair of eyes anywhere.   
My heart feels like it has completely stopped for like a minute, I am shaken up when it suddenly starts beating with full force, I can practically hear it in my ears. We are still looking at each other, my mouth gets dry. 

"...Dave?" I mumble to myself, I can see the boy's eyes widen; he could probably read what I said. His gaze is now radiating, his features soften up, the corners of his lips are forming a soft smile. 

He has recognized me, it makes me want to jump out of my skin in relief.

And at that moment, I really felt at home.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first work on this site!! I actually have been writing for several years, but I have been on a writer's block for, like, 5 years.  
> This fic was kind of inspired by the songs "Run Away With Me" from 'THE UNAUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF SAMANTHA BROWN', and "Caught In the Storm" from 'SMASH' - both covered by Jeremy Jordan, obv.  
> I have been trying hard to write something decent, so comments and kudos are appreciated!  
> Thank you!! <33


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